It must sound very weird, but it is no exaggeration to say that a good part of the day has been spent in that fashion. At the moment I find it impossible to begin any creative project, and this induces a feeling rather like agoraphobia. In theory I could go anywhere …. but there is nowhere to go. It is the sense of possibility that causes the problem, because although the possibilities are infinite, none of them has any actuality.
The day started well because my wife suggested that we go fruit-picking. In one respect it was a disappointing trip because although this is the time of the year for bilberries the unusually fine weather seems to have led to their early ripening, and when we reached one of our favourite picking grounds the place had been absolutely cleaned out. By good fortune, however, there were plenty of blackberries to be had nearby, and we came home with a good supply. She has preserved a load for future use, and I made a summer pudding. It might seem bizarre to say this, but the trip to the supermarket was also a kind of salvation. It occupied the rest of the morning.
It was during the afternoon, however, that I could no longer put off the sense that I ought to be doing something creative, but there was nothing to do. I’ve even run out of routine administrative tasks for the moment. The guy who wants to buy one of my pieces in the USA has still not sent his forwarding address, and his payment still hasn’t arrived in my bank account, so I can’t even finish packing and posting his piece. I am afraid that I became rather ratty as the afternoon wore on, and it was only the need to cook dinner that diverted me again. Even losing at Scrabble after dinner was better than doing nothing.
Tomorrow will be better. The weather forecast is good, and I will have my weekly day of rock-climbing. Concentration upon your own, or somebody else’s, safety is a pretty good way of filling your attention.
When I was at school, in the army cadet corps, we were told that if you are on sentry duty at night, and there is something that catches your attention, don’t stare directly at it, but slightly to the side. (It has something to do with the way the optic nerve functions.) Maybe there is a lesson there for artists. I’ll try not actually thinking about the world in terms of pictures, and hope that something will become visible through the gloom.