Afraid to fail …. again?

Some time ago, in this blog, I recounted the story of the advice I was given by the late Graeme Willson, during the time when I was fortunate enough to benefit from his services as a mentor. He commented on one occasion that my progress in art was being held back by the fact that I was afraid to fail. This meant that I was reluctant to try new things, and hence limited my opportunities to learn. Since then I have tried to take his advice to heart, although I keep running into situations in which I continue to be reluctant to take risks.

For some time I have been turning over in my mind the possibility of a new series of drawings based upon the felling of a birch tree in our garden. The textures and colours of the bark fascinated me. The question I had to face, however, was the fact that a new subject-matter meant that I had to make a decision about the material I was to use. Some time ago I did a sketch on a similar theme, and that seemed to work quite well, but for a variety of reasons the medium was not right for this new project. In the back of my mind was the idea that watercolour would be well-suited to it, but it is a very long time since I used this and I rather reluctantly I made one attempt to see how it would work …. and backed off in disappointment.

Then, last night at the regular life-drawing class I attend, I had an interesting and instructive experience. The instructor required us to set to work with materials which were not only unfamiliar, but seemed unlikely to deliver anything pleasing. We were issued with sheets of ordinary brown corrugated cardboard, rather wodgy brushes, and palettes supplied (at first) with only two colours in acrylic paint …. no water and no palette gives were permitted. I have to admit that my initial response was very growly indeed, but I did persist. To my surprise I learned three lessons very quickly. Two colours will always offer the possibility of light and shadow, and hence the basics of modelling. With the materials in question there are no possibilities for correction, and hence the precondition for any brushstroke was very careful observation. Finally, an initially unpromising brush can produce some surprisingly fine and precise lines if used with enough care and control. By the time I reached the last pose of the evening I was managing to produce something that actually gave me some satisfaction.

Driving back from Ilkley after the class Graeme Willson’s comment came to mind, so this morning I compelled myself to undertake some more experiments towards my project. I tried to discover what difference coloured pencils and watercolour pencils might make to what could be produced. I compared two different kinds of watercolour paper. With this new experience in mind I went back to watercolour paints. The result still does not satisfy me, and it might be necessary to attempt several more experiments before I feel comfortable with the prospects for the project. Nevertheless, I am fighting actively against my earlier inhibitions, and I believe that there will be an occasion when I don’t just want to write off to experience the results of my work.