No: I don’t think that this is an exaggeration. Yesterday I spent a good part of the day putting off the start of a new composition, and then blamed other people for the fact that I had done nothing by the end of it. By bed-time I was in a rather bad mood. I had some excuses …. but they were in large measure just that. Today, however, I have confronted the problem directly, and having shooed my wife rather unceremoniously out of the studio I have actually made a start, drawing out the principal features of the picture.
I have to admit that this has been a gruelling process, feeling a sense of total unfamiliarity with activities which ought to be pure routine, and making excuses all the time for the fact that I am making heavy weather of the job. That most disturbing aspect of the experience is that I have been feeling unusually tired. Now, I am certainly familiar with the idea of the “afternoon nap”, but I did not have a particularly active morning and I slept very well last night. Is it time for a tea break yet? No! and you certainly have not earned one. Get a grip!
The problem is that I have not been able to do any serious creative work perhaps for two months, and starting up again is turning out to be an unexpected ordeal. All the principal decisions have been made already. I have chosen the support and the medium, and collected all the reference material I should need. The precise proportions of the layout do remain to be determined, but that will be something which emerges the design develops. So, although there are objectively speaking no major obstacles at all to be diving into the task and getting on with it, the experience has turned into one of really struggle …. with and against myself, but nonetheless real for that.
The problem is made much worse, of course, by the fact that the snooker Masters’ tournament has just started! Some really formidable self-discipline is going to be needed in the coming week.